Kingdom of Cambodia: Needless to say I didn't tip 50 cents

I had what could be loosely described as an 'interesting encounter' at one of the temples of Angkor yesterday, though a more accurate description would probably be 'creepy bordering on terrifying'. It was at a temple called Preah Koh, one of the lesser temples in the Angkor archealogical park. It was pleasant enough, but in comparison to the other more well-known temples it wasn't exactly mind erasing. Anyway, at pretty much all the temple sites in Angkor you get various hustlers, hawkers and beggars desperate for your attention and a few of your dollars/riel. Sometimes they're really quite ingenious: one guy took me to see a fuck off massive spider that lived in one of the buddha shrines. I had to buy some sort of bamboo pipe off him after for a buck, but it was worth it, the spider really was a fucking beast. Anyway, the point is that most of the people hanging round these parts are harmless, just hell bent on getting your cash. Sometimes, if they offer a small, informative tour its worth a tip of 50 cents, other times you can ignore them, no harm.

Anyway, there I was at Preah Koh, minding my own business, having a bit of a mooch about, when this guy in a polo shirt and holding a ring binger (which I later noticed was empty) comes up to me. This guy says he was one of the workmen that had been on the site trying to restore parts of the temple. So far, so feasable. Most of the temple sites you visit have artisans of one kind or another working to restore the ancient Khmer buildings to their former glory. Anyway, this dude pointed to a pillar and said he had made it about 6 years ago. It looked like it had been there five minutes, but out of politeness I said 'Oh ok, nice one.' He offered to show me some more restoration work, and at this point it all seemed pretty straightforward, been through this before, he'd show me a few Shivas and a Buddha or two, give me a stick of incense, ask for a dollar, yada yada, whatever, as long as he showed me cool shit it was a hell of a lot cheaper than having a guide anyway. So we go inside one of the smaller buildings which has a long chimney up to the top, and a sort of square altar in the middle. He tells me that he'd built the altar, which, unless he was one of the guys from big trouble in little china, or he was a redwood tree, was a complete lie. It was clearly like 1000 years old, the cobwebs had cobwebs. I ho-hummed to myself and said something like 'Well done you.' Sort of semi-complimentary without submitting myself to too much conversation. He stood on the altar, actually stood on it, then tried to grab my arm to pull me up. He looked really awkward up there so got off it when he realised I wasn't going to join him, then he pointed at it and said it represented women and men put something unintelligible on it. I wasn't really sure what he meant so asked for clarification in the language of idiots. He sort of repeated himself but then pointed to the altar, then to his crotch. 'Woman' pointing at the altar. 'Penis', pointing at his crotch, looking at me expectantly, with a grin that suggested any minute he may dribble.


'Oh, ok.' I offered up hesitantly. I didn't really know what planet this guy was from at this point, but at the same time it was far too interesting to give up now. He then pointed at what was clearly a frame that a Buddha statue had once sat in. Even I, in my infinite white devil ignorance, knew that.
'This also where men put penis.' His hands outlined the 4ft by 3 ft crevice as he spoke. He smiled at me. 'Penis.'
'Ok...' He patted my arm and took me back out into the temple complex.


In writing this now, and thinking back in retrospect, it seems absolutely fucking obvious that all was not well. At the time however I had a mix of disbelief-suspension and a lemminglike sense of not wanting to offend going on. I was at least twice this guys size, and he honestly came across as totally harmless. Besides, worst case scenario I'd get a funny story out of it.


So, the temple guy showed me a few more bits and bobs that he'd apparently made (I'm sure at one point he said he'd made bricks from sand and palm sugar, but I zoned out for a bit) I sort of agreed and looked interested at all the right points, and he went on with this nonsense for a bit. In making conversation he asked what I did for a living. 'You student?' This, to my chagrin, was where I made my fatal, but hilarious error.


'Uh, no, I work in a hospital?'
'Ah, hospital, good. My appendus a hurt?'
'You had your appendix taken out?' I make a cutting motion to my abdomen. 'Appendix?'
'Ah, yeah, appendus.' I later realised he hadn't said appendix at all. 'I show you, feel very painful. Dr give me tablets, but no good.'
'Ok, does it hurt?'
'Yeah, hurt. I show you.' He patted my arm again and beckoned me down some steps.


Again, in retrospect: THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A GOOD IDEA. But, at the time, I thought he'd said appendix. Cambodians have to pay for visits to the doctor, so it seemed perfectly reasonable that he'd try and get a free consultation. Although he hadn't asked what I did at the hospital, I could have been a security guard or a porter for all he knew. Alarm bells were not forthcoming. Still he patted away at my arm and beckoned.


'Err...' He was heading away from all the temples and towards the thick forest at the back. Aaaaand then I felt uncomfortable. They say that people willingly go with their murderers a lot of the time, in the face of all sorts of perilous stimuli, because the fear of appearing rude somehow overshadows the fear of dying. What that afternoon taught me was that I would definately end up as one of those people if Dahmer ever came round asking for a cup of sugar.


'Come, I show you. Very hurt.' I read that Cambodians were shy, reserved people, so I took a big shit on my sense of reason and self preservation and continued to follow. He got as far as the start of the forest where I thought 'enough is enough' and I held my ground. If he attempted to rob me or something equally impolite, I'd still have an escape route, plus I could see and hear other tourists in eye shot.


'OK,you want me to look?' I thought he had said appendix, he got out his appendus. He laughed like a baby dropped on its head and started stroking his appendus.


'Very hurt. Ha ha.' I wasn't looking anymore but I was pretty sure he was still stroking his appendus.


'Uh. It looks ok to me.' I let out with a sigh. I turned, pretty composed under the circumstances. Assaulting him in some way didn't even occur to me. I walked back towards the temple and the throng of Japanese tourists with umbrellas and day-glo shell suits. I heard him only slightly further back from me fumbling then following after, saying in as camp a manner that was stereotypically possible. 'I like your tattoos. Ha ha ha.' He patted my arm and I swung it away, then turning as if to punch his lights out. He flinched and stood a little deflated, then said he liked my tattoos again, like a Lynchian muppet.


'Oh tei, Okoon hai' I said to him, flatly. This means no thankyou in Khmer.


He was still smiling like an idiot as he waved goodbye.


Needless to say this was an occasion I didn't tip 50 cents.